Jana Part 1 On Life Lessons: Abusive Relationship

There has been a lot going through my mind since doing my first podcast with Lori. After much thought, I have clearly realized the importance in sharing my story for myself as well as for others listening. When I met ‘B’, I was young, impressionable, naive and perhaps a little gullible.Yes, he was the first boy who ever told me I was beautiful and yes...the first boy who ever told me he loved me. in fact, he was the first everything! I was eighteen years old and when he started coming around, I fully believed his intent and sincerity...and once I had the chance to slowly know him (without the gaggle of girls always around him during first impressions) i realized a sweetness about him that I've never known in anyone since...that sweetness remained throughout the years of emotional torment because it was genuinely who he was and the heart he possessed. and in the duration of those years, the first few being the worst...I thought with everything I was, that I could make the difference. that I would be the one to save him and all through those years, I believed that deep in my heart . the problem was that while my focus was solely on making him and us better, I lost the most important thing of all..taking care of myself first. and I think there is an important message in that because we all deserve and should maintain boundaries for ourselves, no matter who we love.

Lessons learned.

I wrote a poem that came from pain of all I have been through.. I thank this man, who cut me so deep, for the valuable lessons I have learned.

POEM 1:

A point in life

made me look back

the red lights told my story

tonight as i sat..

i was wishing for him to come to my side and remind me to shine from the inside..but he's not here

he found a better place

where all life's events

become erased..

i stared lights reflecting on the bay

my life pouring out at me

and this is what it said...

it all began at eighteen years

so young and naive

not a single fear

i fell in love and so did he

we molded us into a we

he made me feel safe

like it would never end

but ours was a story

we couldn't mend..

as there's two sides of a story

There were two sides to him

heaven on earth and his evil twin.

with substance thrown in

it can bring out the worst

with him it was alcohol

and it came with a curse

then there's me and my soul, matching his sweet kind heart

the times he adored me were my favorite part.

the reason i stayed for so many years

is because thru it all

i understood his fears

in those moments of him spewing verbal abuse

i never took it personally

i was just his excuse..

his anger you see

came deep from within

and explode he would 

at the drop of a pin.

i stayed being us for ten sorted years

there was love laughter

anger and tears

i know that he loved me

i felt the same way

it broke my heart and his

leaving him that way.

for years i felt guilt for not staying there..

i heard he got worse

more than my heart could bare

but the thing about life

the choices we make

not one single one of them

are close to mistakes

we go through our shit 

the path becomes clearer

with every choice, every turn..

our focus is clearer.

and all of the choices we make in our path

Including my first one

where i never looked back

but the story of us

the team that we were

the one i thought would last for sure

Came to an end that to me was tragic

he taught me about life and all its magic

but in the end instead of him

i chose me and pulled the pin.

I've learned so much since that day

i adjusted to the pain that never went away

i found myself in the process life went as it should

his passing brought me to the beginning

i wouldn't change it if I could.

every single moment
that he and i were a we

has remained and taught me everything i never knew I’d see.

the woman that i am today is largely due to him

I've learned in life to stand my ground

and to never sink but swim!

in every moment ever since

he's been a part of me

its in my heart as well my soul

in a way its always been a we..

special people in my life have passed but we will meet again and when we do there'll be no strife but the moment to start again

this time there'll be no hurt just love as it should be. if life was always like that it would be heaven on earth to me...