There has been a lot going through my mind since doing my first podcast with Lori. After much thought, I have clearly realized the importance in sharing my story for myself as well as for others listening. When I met ‘B’, I was young, impressionable, naive and perhaps a little gullible.Yes, he was the first boy who ever told me I was beautiful and yes...the first boy who ever told me he loved me. in fact, he was the first everything! I was eighteen years old and when he started coming around, I fully believed his intent and sincerity...and once I had the chance to slowly know him (without the gaggle of girls always around him during first impressions) i realized a sweetness about him that I've never known in anyone since...that sweetness remained throughout the years of emotional torment because it was genuinely who he was and the heart he possessed. and in the duration of those years, the first few being the worst...I thought with everything I was, that I could make the difference. that I would be the one to save him and all through those years, I believed that deep in my heart . the problem was that while my focus was solely on making him and us better, I lost the most important thing of all..taking care of myself first. and I think there is an important message in that because we all deserve and should maintain boundaries for ourselves, no matter who we love.
I wrote a poem that came from pain of all I have been through.. I thank this man, who cut me so deep, for the valuable lessons I have learned.
A point in life
made me look back
the red lights told my story
tonight as i sat..
i was wishing for him to come to my side and remind me to shine from the inside..but he's not here
he found a better place
where all life's events
i stared lights reflecting on the bay
my life pouring out at me
and this is what it said...
it all began at eighteen years
so young and naive
not a single fear
i fell in love and so did he
we molded us into a we
he made me feel safe
like it would never end
but ours was a story
we couldn't mend..
as there's two sides of a story
There were two sides to him
heaven on earth and his evil twin.
with substance thrown in
it can bring out the worst
with him it was alcohol
and it came with a curse
then there's me and my soul, matching his sweet kind heart
the times he adored me were my favorite part.
the reason i stayed for so many years
is because thru it all
i understood his fears
in those moments of him spewing verbal abuse
i never took it personally
i was just his excuse..
his anger you see
came deep from within
and explode he would
at the drop of a pin.
i stayed being us for ten sorted years
there was love laughter
anger and tears
i know that he loved me
i felt the same way
it broke my heart and his
leaving him that way.
for years i felt guilt for not staying there..
i heard he got worse
more than my heart could bare
but the thing about life
the choices we make
not one single one of them
are close to mistakes
we go through our shit
the path becomes clearer
with every choice, every turn..
our focus is clearer.
and all of the choices we make in our path
Including my first one
where i never looked back
but the story of us
the team that we were
the one i thought would last for sure
Came to an end that to me was tragic
he taught me about life and all its magic
but in the end instead of him
i chose me and pulled the pin.
I've learned so much since that day
i adjusted to the pain that never went away
i found myself in the process life went as it should
his passing brought me to the beginning
i wouldn't change it if I could.
every single moment
that he and i were a we
has remained and taught me everything i never knew I’d see.
the woman that i am today is largely due to him
I've learned in life to stand my ground
and to never sink but swim!
in every moment ever since
he's been a part of me
its in my heart as well my soul
in a way its always been a we..
special people in my life have passed but we will meet again and when we do there'll be no strife but the moment to start again
this time there'll be no hurt just love as it should be. if life was always like that it would be heaven on earth to me...